Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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