if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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