Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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