god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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