How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
