Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
