He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
