hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
