Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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