Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
