even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
