I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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