Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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