It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
