Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
