There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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