I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
