I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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