Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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