How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
