Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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