I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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