sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
