I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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