Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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