I wish my penis had an off switch
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
