I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
