I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
