just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
