When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
