why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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