Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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