You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
