was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
