I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
