I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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