Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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