I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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