Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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