Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
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