Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize