I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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