I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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