I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
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