She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
