Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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