Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
