JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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