I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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