I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
