You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
