Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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