i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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