I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
