I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
