First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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