My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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