So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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