Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
