Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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